My dad taught me some pretty valuable life lessons. When stuff happens, I can still hear Him whispering in my ear. Right now, I can hear him saying this:
Just be still and accept where you are. I see so many people upset, angry, frustrated and expending a lot of mental energy fighting against what’s happening right now. You know where that will get you? NOWHERE. Nothing will change. Situation remains the same. You can either be calm, centered and focused on your family, hobbies, and home projects you have been putting off and accept that this is where we are right now with your butt in your house. Or You can rage, obsessively blame people, declare what was done wrong, watch the news all day, be frustrated with your family and your butt will still be in your house. Either way, your butt is in your house.  You can’t change where we are right now, no matter how upset, mad, or scared you are. So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and accept where you are right now. Breathe in reality and stop fighting against things you can’t control. Stay home and use your time in a positive way. If you must go out, give people space. Smile at everyone. No one is smiling! Everyone is all steely faced and scared looking. If you have to work out of the house, just focus on how you can keep yourselves and others safe in your line of work. Smile. Spread love. It’s in short supply right now. Also, you are amazing! In all this, we can all become bitter or better. The choice is completely yours.
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Artwork by: Me Hueman ."Cutie! It's been forever since we talked!" My daddy would exclaim if it has been a few days between phone calls. "Omg it's been months!" I would agree. "Years even!"
For the fist time in my life, its been an actual year since I talked to my dad. My daddy and I were always close. Our relationship got even closer once I started working somewhere that was an hour away. Trinity was about 3 years old at the time. Two days a week I would have an hour ride home at 1am. My Daddy, of course, was very concerned about me driving that late at night while I was tired. He suggested that I call him on my way home for a chat. It was his way of getting me house safe from across the country. And so It began. If you know my dad, a conversation longer than 20 min was hard for him. He would usually say "I gotta go! My ear's a bleedin!". Despite this he powered though. An hour is a long time, but he had a job to do to make sure I was safe. I can honestly say that this was the time when our relationship shifted. I got to know him as a person, not just my father. It was amazing. Of course we would talk about mundane things, but you can only do that for about 20 min before you have nothing left to say. That's when the real heart stuff came out. We talked and talked and talked about everything you can imagine. After about 6 months of this, my job moved locations. I was no longer traveling as far, or working nights. After about a week of not having my night time chats, I knew we had to figure out another time. Not having a set time to connect with my dad was leaving a gaping hole in my life. It had become a lovely habit. Driving to and from work became our chat time even though it was only 30 min. This trend continued for the rest of his life. As each new job came and went, our chats continued. It was our time. We would rarely go more than a day or two without talking. Sometimes we talked multiple times a day. That's where I feel his absence the most. I call other loved ones now during my drive, but its not the same. He was my sounding board for my life. I process things by talking them out, and he was more than happy to be that person. He also gave the best advice when i needed it. He was very wise and sage, with a dash of "you only live once, go do the crazy thing". Since he died i just feel so...uncentered. He was my rock, my safety net, my best friend. No matter what was happening in my life, I always had him to fall back on. I had him to share everything with. He was a huge part of my identity. I feel like part of me is gone. Missing. Absent. Lost. It's hard to put into words. But I can tell you this, nothing will ever be the same. I find myself....quiet. Guarded. I keep stuff to myself more. I've also had people disappear on me. I mean,, relationships ebb and flow and I'm generally ok with that (I'm a pretty low maintenance friend), but these are people that have remained absent for a year who were previously very involved in my life. At the same time, I haven't had the emotional energy to chase after those friends either. I miss these friends so much, and I'll always welcome them back into my life, I just can't hunt them down right now. I'm hoping someday they choose to come back to me one they have a handle on what they are going through as well. I find my tolerance for crap is greatly reduced. It was already getting to that point (something about being a 40 year old woman does that) but after my dad passed away something in me snapped. Thus began the great purge. I wasnt expecting that part of grief, but it hit hard and fast. I started deleting people on facebook, getting toxic/annoying/negative people out of my life, getting rid of stuff. This went on for months. I cant say it was a bad thing. Just an unexpected grief stage. i dont think im done yet, just less intense about it. I may never be done. This year had been so strange. So many good things happened. There was happiness, there was joy. Celebrations and triumphs. But all of them a bit bittersweet because my daddy wasn't part of it. Yet my dad had always impressed upon my life and heart that "Life is for the living". To that end I'm starting my own things. Creating my own traditions. Cultivating my life the way I want it to be, while figuring out what exactly that looks like. Losing a parent is such a weird thing. So many people have suffered the same loss. the world keeps turning, life goes on. I rationally know that i will heal. i know it wont sting forever. I'll always have a scar from that emotional blow, but it wont always hurt as much as it does now. I know this to be true because I watched my dad live life having lost his son. He taught me by example how to grieve. He taught me about how to live after your world seems destroyed by loss. I'm strong and resilient. I will be ok. Its just now, only a year after his death, its still raw. It still hurts, and I'm not really ok. Reality is I'll never be the same. Losing my daddy had changed me. Colored my life a different hue. So daddy i'm missing you. I wish you were here to talk me through losing you. That's what I really need right now. Birthdays are fun in my family. You call up the birthday person and no matter how old everyone is, you gather everyone in the house and sing happy birthday to them. Usually terribly. My dad hung tight to that tradition. He would call you and all by himself sing as badly as humanly possible. He would frequently make up his own words or even an entire song for extra flair. It was amazing.
This is the first time that I can ever remember that I didn't get to sing to him on his birthday. When my dad had first died I knew that certain days would be harder than others. I saw his birthday approaching, of course. Time has a way of just marching on even when your heart hurts. I gave myself space to be sad today. I didn't know how I would be emotionally, but I wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to be present in my sadness. Unfortunately, with little kids around, I have to plan when I get to be sad. And you know what? I am sad he's not here. I miss him every day. Its kind of like this: My inner being is a big house, and my relationships with people are different rooms within me. Some rooms are a little cold and dusty. They weren't always like that. The things that used to occupy it slowly got removed as time went on and my relationship drifted. The room may even shrink as that happens. I still go in there sometimes, but its just kind of sad now. Some rooms are bright and cheery with lots of happiness. I imagine lots of music, life and plants and bright paint on the walls. Some rooms are just filled with a comfy couch and not much else. Those rooms are filled with longing because I miss that person Some rooms are stark, uncomfortable and cold. There may even be pain in those rooms. Everyone in my life has their own room and it correlates to my relationship with them. My dad's room is pretty special. Bright, colorful, and happy. It is full of kitty cats and lots of pictures. All the furniture is really comfy. The music of my childhood is always playing. The room feels so safe. So secure. Its one of the biggest rooms I have. Its one of my favorite rooms. I spent a LOT of time in there. Then, in the early days in 2019, the room went dark and silent. It's still there. Its not collecting dust. Everything is still in it. Its still one of the biggest rooms I have. The lights just don't work anymore. When i go into his room now and sit in the dark, I am touched with sadness, but also gratitude. My life was not perfect. But as I look around the room I am happy I got to be his daughter. I got to be one of his closest people. I was privileged to know him like I did. He still is part of me. He still there. I can still sense him. I feel him with me right now as I'm bawling writing this. Today I am obviously sad, but I'm also am celebrating him. He was born on this date. He was raised by amazing parents who managed to keep him on this Earth despite all his childhood illnesses and cancer. After he got through that his parents managed to not murder him as he grew up. OMG he was a naughty little punk. I'm sure my aunts have some stories! As he navigated adulthood, life threw him some curveballs. Some really painful ones as a matter of fact, but he never let it make him bitter. He never gave up on life or the world. That attitude of gratitude, that acceptance of people where they were, that's what made him so special to so many people. So today, with tears on my cheeks, I celebrate my daddy. And I know there are many of you feeling the same way. To Billy O: You are loved. Thank you for being here. It's been approximately three months since my daddy suddenly died. I'm not sure exactly how long its been because I find the day he died to be utterly meaningless. For me, to put a focus on the day i lost him, puts a shadow on the brilliant life he lived. I would rather focus on his presence on the earth, not his absence from it. Though his absence ripples through my soul every day.
I have lost loved ones before, but nothing as shattering as his loss. He was my best friend. My sounding board, we talked nearly every day. He knew everything about me, even that stuff you don't usually tell your parents. There was no topic off limits to him. He was my rock and I'm still trying to figure out how to live without him. I wasn't prepared. I don't think I ever would have been. Grief is weird. At first, I just wanted to purge things out of my life. Stuff, people, things that didn't matter. It was like his loss laser focused me on who, and what, was important in my life. Everything else was meaningless and had to go. I'm convinced God does this so you can handle the immediate need of going through your loved ones belongings. It was during this time that I went to Forks to do just that. I had an amazing support system there and was able to get through all of it. I had grand plans to continue to purge once i got home... but then the Silence hit. The Silence. I don't know what else to call it. I was like winter in my soul. Barren, cold, and quiet. It amazing how quiet winter really is. There are no singing birds, no croaking frogs or loud bugs. So the silence of the winter outside had crept inside me. I shut down. I didn't want to talk to anyone about my daddy unless I knew they lost a parent, child or spouse or knew him well. Other people meant well, I just didn't have it in me. The suitcases I brought home from my dads house with his stuff in it still remained unopened. I stopped writing about him. My husband even tried to get me to talk, but I had nothing to say. Only Silence. I couldn't write, I couldn't create. I didn't push myself, I understand that I have to go through this however I need to. At that point I obviously needed to be on the couch, depressed, quiet and in hibernation. Then last week, the first bird of the season chirped outside my window. It sounded foreign and strange after such a long, quiet winter. I felt a stirring in my heart. Trinity needed a skirt for a dance she was doing on a camping trip. She hadn't asked me to make her one, but I knew what she wanted. It was like all of a sudden an light switch turned back on. So I ran to the store, got the fabric, came home and started to sew it. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. The next day, I got more fabric and made her another one. It felt so good to create again. To feel more like myself again. I feel myself wanting to write again. To garden, to do the things that I love to do. As the trees are budding outside and waking from their dormant sleep, I feel like I am slowly awakening as well. I'm still not ok. But slowly one singing bird will become two. Before you know it there will be a chorus of summer sounds filling the air, and my silence will be replaced with life again. I will be ok, just never the same. "Life is for the living" as my dad used to say. And though I am sad, I will not live in that sad space forever. The year was 1991 or so. I was a 16 year old Junior in high school, the same age as my daughter Trinity is right now actually. My school had an open campus so at lunch time we could leave campus...and lunch was 45 minutes long. Across the street was the mall with restaurants and a food court. Next door was Arby's and Taco Bell. A block away was a convenience store. I want you to pause and soak in the possibilities here. Lunch was glorious!
Sometimes we would stay on campus to eat, like if it was bagel dog or nacho day, other than that we left campus for lunch. The key was that once the bell rang you did not stop at your locker. You did not meet up with your friends. You took off straight to the the predetermined lunch location and placed your order because that got your order in before everyone else from the school. You would then sit with your friends eating your food watching as the endless line of students waited for their order. My dad gave me $3 a day to eat with which actually went pretty far. I could get two bean burritos with sour cream. A giant pizza bread thing at the bread shop. A giant corn dog at the corn dog place. A big order of fries at the sandwich place. If we trekked down to Subway about 10 minutes away I could even get a 6 inch bologna sandwich with everything on it. One day, My best friend Michelle and I weren't very hungry, but our lunch money was burning a hole in our pockets. So we walked to the mall and went to the coffee place. Michelle decided to get a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans because they were so yummy. Then we walked to the convenience store and I got a Jolt Soda. For those of you who were born after the 90s, Jolt's slogan was "all the sugar and twice the caffeine". It was an energy drink before there was energy drinks as we know them now. So we sat our butts down on the curb and enjoyed our "lunch". We shared the espresso beans and I drank the whole Jolt. My 16 year old brain had no idea what insanity I was setting myself up for. We shuffled back to school and got to our next class just in time. Michelle and I had Language Arts and she sat right in front of me. On a good day the class annoyed me. I really should have been in the next level up so I was bored but didn't do my homework because I didn't see a point. I would get 100% on all tests, read way ahead of the class and knew the material inside out and backwards. I'm positive I exasperated that teacher to no end. So this is the class I am in after my lunch of caffeine and sugar. Mr. C decides it will be a silent reading period because people were not keeping up with the reading homework of the book we were studying. Everyone groans. I had read the book in 2 nights and that was weeks ago. I fish my book out of my back pack wondering where in the book I should even read. I'm annoyed I cant just draw... what a waste of time. The class settles into silence as everyone starts to read. After a few pages I start to feel strange. My heart starts to beat harder and I'm like woh, whats this? After a few more minutes I can feel my blood pulsing through my veins! I start to quietly get Michele's attention to see if shes feeling weird. I'm poking her back and she turns around. I try to whisper to her but I'm hushed my the teacher with a glare of doom. Going just by her facial expression, I could tell shes feeling weird too. The next 45 minutes can only be described as torture. I could NOT sit still. My leg was bouncing, I was fidgeting, my brain was on overdrive, I was shaking. Mr. C kept shooting me dirty looks. I have no idea what he though was going on. The whole class was silent and here I am trying to suppress the ball of crazy, jittery energy I have become. I was really, really hard! Finally the class is over and Michelle an I RAN out of there. She was freaking out also and we both agreed that our choice of lunch was the worst idea ever and we were never doing that ever again! When I think back to this day It always makes me laugh. I had no idea what I was doing to myself, I had never even had chocolate covered espresso beans before that day! Tell me about something you did that seemed like a good idea at the time, but didn't end as you expected. I'd love to hear them! My life is very influenced by music. Different times of my life all have a soundtrack to them. Sometimes, this is amazing. Sometimes, It's hard.
I can be transported instantly to that time of my life within the first few bars of a song. The feelings, emotions, happiness, pain, security, insecurity... it becomes very vivid. If I willfully play the music that has that effect on me, I can shield myself or prepare myself. If the song sneak attacks me, it can be hard sometimes depending on the memory attached to it. Sometimes I'm not ready for that emotional space. Tori Amos Little Earthquakes album sends me right back to when DJ and I had been together for a few years and things were really not good. I felt powerless and weak and insignificant and that album gave me strength. I would sing my heart out. Sing the pain out. Figure out who I was. Flyleaf "Again" takes me back to when DJ and I left the church we were deeply rooted in. It was absolutely the right decision, but very few people saw that. Our leaving was made to be very painful and alienating. I lost a lot of dear friendships because they pulled away from us. That song reminded me to just trust God and that what people said or thought didn't matter. Certain Beatles songs take me right back to my dads house in Washington. I can feel the crisp air while I was in a warm hot tub. I can smell the campfire. The Beatles really are the sound track to that place. All the love and fun memories, new experiences and unforgettable moments can be wrapped up nicely with a few songs. I find myself listening to the Beatles a lot (I especially like the Across the Universe soundtrack), because I get homesick a lot for my loved ones there. It's nostalgic and bittersweet all at the same time. Funny enough, I'm about to switch up the Cds I have in my car. I'm planning on putting Little Earthquakes in as well as Across the Universe (after I buy a CD, I still don't own one! Anyone wanna buy me a gift?), not sure what the others will be, but we will see. Does anyone else have life soundtracks? Or get transported back in time by certain songs? I have this amazing friend online. We have never met in person but we have been friends since before there was Facebook...Before there was Myspace...We were LiveJournal friends.
So we go waaaay back. I actually don't even remember where on LJ we met each other and became friends. I have seen her kids grow up, shared my life with her, and her with me. We have been a fly on each others wall forever. She is a brilliant writer. Her kid's antics are made all the better by her witty retelling of their misguided adventures. Which leads me to today. She wrote something today that was perfection. As a parent, I felt her pain. I understood everything. I laughed and cried with her. I was in every horrible moment with her. It was so good I read it aloud to DJ when he got home from work. So sit back and read this. You wont be sorry. Keep telling yourself this "But for the grace of God go I". If you are a parent... this could be you. Or has been you. It's hilarious and awful. But first... a teaser.... "The first half hour of today was fine. I started writing again, although I’m not currently sharing most of it. I was a few paragraphs in when Badger came in and told me that her throat was tickly. I had made her breakfast and she ate about four bites but seemed all right. I sniffed her, and smelled a slightly sweet odor of doom, so I started calling the pediatrician. I still had not been able to talk to a Real Live Person at the ped when Badger comes in again and says her throat is really starting to hurt, she has a headache, and she is cold. I take her temperature (100*) and keep calling the doctors’ office." Click here for the full adventure Ok let me clarify something before I even start this thing:
I HATE SNOW! I'm a California girl through and through. I hate winter, snow, ice, cold and slush. I don't ski, snowboard or do cold weather stuff. I prefer to not even deal with outside unless its at least 50 degrees. Ok, I lie, 60 degrees. I hibernate during the winter. DJ will go biking and hiking and I'm looking at him like he's crazy. That is not my idea of fun at all. My goal in life is to move somewhere I don't have to own a jacket. Are we crystal clear on my feelings on snow? Good! Now for the crazy part... I LOVE SNOW DAYS! Crazy right? Let me explain. I have a very busy family. On any given day we are all running around doing different stuff. We are often not all home at the same time. Clubs, playdates, friends, babysitting, appointments, naps, hiking, having people over, work, work from home, cleaning, cooking, laundry, church, life group, errands.... it never ends. The beauty of a snow day is no one is going anywhere. It's a bonus day. A forced sabbath from life's insanity. Yes, we are still doing some chores at home, but everyone is home to help.The kids and i got to wake up with DJ in bed with us with no reason to jump out of bed. The littles were so happy! We snuggled, laughed, looked at the snow outside and lazed in bed for a bit. Trinity and Sierra slept in late. It's a bonus day. A day unplanned and you cant avoid it. So enjoy your day! If you are an emergency worker or have to work today, I know what that's like, I used to have to do it as well. I appreciate all of you!! For those at home, stay home! Enjoy your family. Treat it like a bonus day, a sabbath day. I've got to run, I've got tiny people on top of me and I have to get ready to prep 20 dinners. Everyone is home to help! Poor Caleb. Winter finally got him and he's chapped under his bottom lip. I tried every lip balm in the house, but they were all stinging and hurting him. Also, they weren't working. So I knew it was time to make my own! I know I make better lip balm than I can get at the grocery store... I used to sell it. I still had some of the key items needed, so with some recipe modifications to reflect what was in the house, I began! OH! I Should post the recipe! 1/2 block of bees wax (I don't remember how many ounces a block was... sorry!) 2 tsp coconut oil 2 tsp olive oil 1 tsp medical grade lanolin (the non medical grade stuff tastes gross) lip balm containers of some sort some way to double boil (I used a small mason jar in a pot of water) Let's go! First put some water and jar or whatever into a pot and set to boil. Once boiling, put in your bees wax. It takes the longest to melt. Look at that awesome bees wax! I am showing a whole one so you can see the full size. Once the beeswax is completely melted, add the coconut oil. Ahhhhh coconutty.... Then the olive oil next. Then the lanolin. It should melt together pretty quickly. It should look like this. Now its time to put it in containers! I have lip balm containers but you can use anything really. I also have these handy disposable pipettes to get the oil into the containers. In the end I got 11 tubes worth. Not bad for 15 minutes of effort!
The nice thing is that you can experiment with the oils you like. My original recipe called for cocoa butter and grapeseed oil. Since I didnt have those, I used olive oil instead and omitted the cocoa butter. It's super flexible! You can even add in drops of flavoring oils like peppermint if you want. I went without this time but since the coconut oil was extra virgin, there is a slight coconut flavor. It's excellent. Have fun with it!! So, I like yogurt. The husband takes it with him every day to work for breakfast. Sometimes I even make him a refrigerator oatmeal parfait the night before for him to take to work. Hes been getting a case of Greek yogurt at Costco for a while now, but the problem is that Caleb always wants to eat it was well, and then he runs out. The other issue is that I would like the baby to have the full fat yogurt, but that stuff is super expensive. I know people who have made their own yogurt, so I figured I would give it a try! I was a little scared, the idea of leaving milk out overnight freaked me out a bit, but I powered through it. So we are going for Organic, full fat yogurt. I was a little concerned that the Ultra Pasteurized milk might not work right, but it's what I had on hand. First I dumped a gallon of milk into my crock pot. You can also do this on the stove, but it requires more attention than I am willing to give. I can't be bothered with all that stirring and making sure the milk doesn't scorch. Up until this point, I also didn't realize that my crock pot holds a gallon of liquid. Good to know. I then ignored it for 2 - 3 hours. Cleaned the house and got ready for the company coming over. Once it hit 180 degrees, I shut off the crock pot. I then ignored it for another few hours while I waited for it to get back down to 110 degrees. Our friends came over and we has an awesome time drinking beer, eating mac n cheese and playing with all the kids. Woo Hoo 110 degrees! I grabbed the single serving of plain yogurt that had been sitting out to get up to room temperature, and gently mixed it in. After I got it mixed in I realized I was supposed to mix the yogurt with a bit of the warm milk and then add to the whole pot. Oops. Hopefully that doesn't screw anything up. Now, the milk gets to have a nice cuddly snuggle with a bath towel. I wrap up the crock pot and leave it for the night. Goodnight milk, don't do gross things overnight... Good morning! Its been 12 hours since I left the milk. I'm super excited to see what happened! You guys...... It's yogurt!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!! Its thick and creamy and smells like yogurt. Omg! I'm feeling more confidant now. Time to strain it. I plopped a colander on a big bowl and lined it with cheese cloth. The idea is to strain out some of the whey for a thicker yogurt. It looks so amazing!! It all just fit, which is great because we need to get to church. I decided to cover it because we have a very curious kitten around who would love to stick her nose in some fresh yogurt. Naughty cat. Off to church! When we came home 4 hours later it was done straining. I tasted it and it was so yummy! I ended up with approx 11 cups of yogurt. Its not super thick, but its very creamy. If I had let it strain longer it would have gotten thicker. Next time I might let it strain a little longer. The little jar will be the starter for the next batch. I also have a bunch of whey, and I cant wait to figure out what to do with that! if you have ideas, leave me a comment. Caleb got to be the taste tester! I figured the 4 year old would give honest feedback. i added some strawberry preserves and gave it to him. He absolutely loved it!
Here is the recipe I used: Ingredients
Instructions
Notes ***You don't have to use the slow cooker method. For a quicker method simply heat the milk in a large stock pot over low to medium heat. Just be sure to stir it regularly, especially as it gets hotter, to prevent the milk from scorching. Then follow the rest of the instructions as written. |
AuthorI'm so tired. The children are so not tired. |